Good for you, good for others: Practicing the kindness behind 'Midwest Nice'

In the Midwest, and particularly Minnesota, many people have a distinctive way of communicating and relating to others that has earned the region a reputation around the globe for being welcoming and helpful.

Visitors and newcomers to the region may experience "Midwest Nice" or "Minnesota Nice" as polite, nonconfrontational and guarded. Residents may be perceived as avoiding challenging topics or giving strong opinions to be seen as open and friendly.

Midwest Nice is sometimes described as being passive-aggressive — speaking politely to someone's face while voicing displeasure behind the person's back or through subtle, unkind actions.

The backstory of Midwest and Minnesota Nice

It's thought that Minnesota Nice originated with the first settlers in the area who migrated from Scandinavian countries and Germany. In these cultures, people tend to be socially guarded and slow to warm to others but develop deep, lasting friendships once they open up.

People in Scandinavian and German cultures also are known for presenting an appearance of niceness and community mindedness. The present style of social interaction in this region evolved as immigrants to the U.S. slowly began to merge into new communities.

This form of communication can feel like second nature for people who are longtime Midwesterners and Minnesotans. It involves learning to adjust your own behavior and responses based on subtle cues that indicate others are becoming upset. People who have developed a lifelong habit of avoiding conflict can feel relief when others do the same.

However, conversations can feel like a strange game with secret rules for people who are transplants from other states or countries. People new to the region often speak about how difficult it can be to form friendships and make connections, even though they know they can lean on neighbors and co-workers if they need something in a pinch. It can be frustrating if they feel others are unhappy with them, but can't find someone willing to explain why.

Decoding Midwest and Minnesota Nice social interaction

Like any game, the social interactions associated with Midwest and Minnesota Nice can be decoded. If you're new to the region, try these tips. If you're a resident, they can be used to adjust your own Midwest or Minnesota Nice tendencies and those of other people.

One example of being welcoming and helpful is people asking newcomers to meet at a coffee shop or restaurant. However, the reserved side is demonstrated by not inviting the newcomers to visit their more personal spaces, such as their home or a cabin.

Overcoming such social reservations may require being a little more assertive on the part of the newcomer. If invitations never escalate, try offering an invitation of your own. Provide clear feedback, such as, "I enjoy spending time with you and would love to get together more often." Then, make a solid plan to do so.

To deepen a connection, try to find common ground, whether it's through similar experiences, opinions, values or shared interests. Offer some self-disclosure and see if it's reciprocated. Be patient. Being more aggressive about relationships than people expect might lead them to draw back and hamper your efforts. Meaningful friendships can be formed — it just may take time and effort.

Overcoming passive-aggressive behavior and conflict avoidance can be more difficult. Some strategies include:

• Asking permission before broaching a challenging topic.
• Speaking in a firm, but kind, manner.
• Setting an expectation that the topic might need to be addressed in a few short conversations to give people time to cope with any discomfort.

Keep in mind that inaction is still a form of action. Inaction means choosing to maintain the status quo. Making change requires stepping outside your comfort zone.

Being nice and being kind — two halves of a whole

The Oxford Dictionary defines niceness as "the quality of being nice; pleasantness," while its definition of kindness is "the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate." In other words:

• Niceness involves not ruffling feathers, making waves or drawing too much attention to yourself. But it can be the first step to kindness.
• Kindness involves investing more fully in the happiness and well-being of others. Moving from niceness to kindness can be a behavioral goal.

The benefits of expressing kindness include:

• Encouraging reflection on what you feel grateful for
• Improving relationships
• Lifting your mood, increasing your optimism and giving you a spark of happiness
• Lowering anxiety and stress
• Promoting overall health and longer life
• Protecting your mental health and that of others
• Reducing isolation by creating a stronger sense of belonging
• Spreading positivity in the world

Practicing kindness and instilling it in kids

One of the best ways to incorporate kindness into your life is to practice it daily. It starts with having a mindset of looking for ways to brighten the lives of others. You might be surprised by the opportunities to practice kindness when you look for them. Kindness can take the form of small or large acts.

Here are some simple ways to practice kindness:

• Hold a door for the person behind you.
• Mail a "thinking of you" card to a friend going through a tough time.
• Notice when someone has dropped something.
• Offer compliments as well as thank-you's.
• Send a surprise "good morning" or "good night" text to a loved one.
• Share or teach your skills with a mentee.
• Volunteer, whether a one-time experience or a long-term commitment.

To instill kindness in children, teach by example. Involve kids in small acts of kindness, then talk about it afterward to help them understand the effect of their kind acts. Activities like donating a book to a friend or a free neighborhood library, writing a "get well soon" note, speaking kindly and thankfully to people in customer service jobs, and giving genuine compliments to peers are all things children can take part in and continue to practice on their own.

Kimberly Haala, Ph.D., is a clinical health psychologist in Psychiatry & Psychology in Mankato, Minnesota.